With the holidays around the corner, I figured it was time for me to make my entrance. It is I. The man in car commercials living an exemplary life of extravagance and having no regard for proper financial planning. Yes, it's that time of year again. Where you hear the soft medley start on a vision of freshly fallen snow before cutting to my perfectly curated family rising for morning.
The next shot will be of us happily opening the final presents we've received before I look at my wife. She has an expression that says, "wow what a wonderful morning, and look at how devilishly handsome my husband is, but there's just one thing missing from my life during this period of gift giving."
That's when I know it's time. I'll make her lazily cover her eyes before revealing two brand new, lavish vehicles conveniently parked in our driveway for the wide shot. My kid will run out with glee at the excitement of fresh car interiors. But, why is this small child so happy? She's not going to that summer camp she's dreamed of. I blew all of our money on this luxury Truck and SUV and like five of those fucking huge ass ribbons. I mean come on; how much do you think those things cost?
Then, my wife will give me a surprised look that says, "you're definitely man enough for me, never mind what my parents or friends think." We'll have a quick smooch with her gaze screaming, "it's not the size that counts, it's the motion of the ocean."
The voiceover at the end will explain how I luckily got away with 0% APR for the first 12 months before the 8% rate kicks in following the reveal of my horrendous credit score; but here's the thing nobody tells you. You can just sell the car next year and get another one for 0% APR again. Cars can only go up baby, just like the cost of these ribbons. Man, I'm telling ya, ya really gotta budget for those ribbons. That's where they get ya. I still don't know why this stupid kid is happily running around the cars.